Fixd review

This video was shared on my timeline and I simply couldn't get everything I needed to say in a comment thread. Buckle up, kids. 

 The classic, "Don't get tricked by a mechanic." It's common knowledge that I wake up every morning and think of every possible way to fuck you sideways on your repair bill. At least that's what 35 year old divorced soccer moms with sagging implants seem to think about me. The truth is, vehicles break so much on their own, that I wouldn't have time to fix things that I just made up. You'll never believe me so I'm wasting breath, but let it be known that you're the fucking moron that purchased a Chrysler product. Your decision making is a lot like that time you blew the entire varsity football team under the bleachers. I don't hear you blaming them for the taste in your mouth.

Well smack me in the tits and call me Susan! You found the Holy Grail! Technicians have been begging Snap-On for years for "The Machine." One tool to tell you exactly what needs to be repaired. All those nights I spent in an industrial tech school classroom honing my diagnostic prowess and here you are with the proverbial Genie in a Bottle. None of this is remotely true, but you seem convinced that your $59 OBD II Bluetooth Device can do the same thing as my $3,000 diagnostic scanner and 20 years of hard-earned experience. I'll let you keep believing that. With customers like you, who needs enemies? 

It literally says that? That means your "free app" is loosely translating a trouble code and picking a possible cause. Even if your free app is right half of the time, your odds still suck. Hopefully by saying "suck" I didn't trigger you. It's amazing that your free app was able to hook an oil pressure gauge up to test the pressure and confirm. You know how many boxes of Microflex this would save me? It's even more amazing that without even testing the circuit, it knew there was no short to power or bad ground and that the converter inside the engine control module was properly translating the voltages. 

Yay! The fun part! "To the Cunt Mobile! We'll show those Master Technicians that my glorified OBD II code reader can replace them!" It's one thing to be ignorant. It's another thing to be so menacingly prideful in your ignorance that it causes you to have resting cunt smirk. I didn't even have to try hard to get this screen shot. I think you're more interested in playing "Gotcha" than you are in getting your vehicle repaired. I'm no psychologist, but I'm assuming you're one of those women who constantly posts shit on Facebook like "Why are there no good men left?" And a few passive aggressive entries like "I'll make it through this." One-upping arrogance doth make a woman lonely. 

You want honesty? First, you should fire your hair stylist. It literally looks like you went to Sports Clips and asked for the "Tom Brady." A little eyeliner goes a long way. Your five head is screaming for all the attention and your 1997 nose ring says "I only listen to Indie." It's been so long since being intimate with someone that it looks like someone shaved an alpaca over an Arby's roast beef sandwich downstairs. Pro tip: Wearing men's underwear doesn't make you a tough lumberjack chick that rides the fine line between Sarah Jessica Parker and Rosie O'Donnell, it just makes you asexual. Wait, you wanted honesty about your vehicle? My bad. Carry on..

Stop right there. You can't have it both ways. If you want true equality, you can't pull that "I'm just a little scared woman" card every time you encounter difficulty in life. How in fuck's name did you go from "I have Fixd! I know everything!" to "I think that being a woman." Sounds like you want your cake and to eat it too. I mean, we all knew you actually ate the cake. Several of them actually. In fact, I think you're chewing a piece now. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard "I'm just a woman, you're gonna rip me off," I could buy an F-350 in cash. Chivalry is dead, lady. So have a big heaping bowl of equality and educate yourself instead of being a victim, you indolent succubus. 

Considering the low quality of the video, I knew it was a matter of time before you got your neighbor to pretend to be a technician. There's no way he didn't see the camera that the guy who is friend-zoning you is holding. The neighbor probably agreed because he needs to borrow your chainsaw that you bought to look tough. That, or you're holding his children hostage. You do kind of give off that vibe. Just sayin. But seeing that we're playing make-believe.... 

So he says you ran it low on oil and it'll be $1,900 to fix. That's it? No explanation of what is damaged, what needs to be replaced? No one in their right mind would get their car serviced there. Which is the point you were trying to exacerbate. If you run your car low on oil and it locks down, it's gonna cost more than that to fix, lady. No professional shop is going to say "it's gonna end up being.." I will tell you, point blank, what is broke, what needs to be repaired, and a price. Period, full stop. At that point, you can give the green light or decline. It's not gonna hurt my feelings. If you'd like to take it down the road and have a less qualified technician give you a second opinion, be my guest. Fact is, in my area, I'm the best. That's not narcissism, that's just a fact. 

I don't know how you talked Roy Moore into acting for your video, but I hope you haven't told him that you're holding your neighbor's kids hostage in your basement. He might offer to service your car for free in trade. He seems like a yes man and you know what? So am I. If you come in to the shop and say "I want my oil pressure sensor replaced, I don't need a diagnostic." I will absolutely put it in for you. I will literally do anything you ask me to do to your vehicle without question. Just don't come back in tomorrow bitching because your MIL is still on. Just the other week, I had someone like you come in and demand their alternator need to be replaced. They were certain of it and there was no way in hell they were gonna come off with $22 to have their starting and charging system checked. We pleaded with them to have their system tested so that unnecessary parts weren't replaced but they were adamant. So one $800 Volkswagen alternator later, and the car still won't start. They finally ask us to run the $22 test. It was just a battery. They could have spent $150 and been fine but because of the pervasive distrust of technicians because of videos like yours, they got nearly a grand worth of new, shiny alternator that was completely unnecessary. Cunt on with your bad self, Karen. 

FIXD isn't the reason. You had no intention of spending a completely fabricated number. You came up with that to drive home the false narrative that a $59 OBD II device can replicate what I do. Much like your top down cell phone camera cleavage shots posted on Tinder can't replicate balanced caloric intake and self control. I challenge any vehicle owner with a FIXD device to report back to me what your Genie told you to replace on your Ford truck with a P0171 and P0174.  After several trips to AutoZone (Home of the flunkies) and several hundred dollars later, I'll bet your Genie won't be looking all that smart. Better yet, have FIXD measure the pulse width modulation of an infinite fan on an oscilloscope to find duration and proper command. I'll be waiting...