Ubisoft Montreal has knocked it out of the park so many times that I was beginning to wonder if they would ever strike out. I guess it all depends on the controller of the beholder. They have relentlessly marketed the new AC as an all immersive genus of the Brotherhood literally set in Bumblefuck Egypt. The official story is Medjay this and that blah blah, Cleopatra. But I figured I would correct the official story.
The story follows a protagonist by the name of Bayek. The name Bayek loosely translates to "Continuously Reanimated Corpse." The game starts with a cut scene of the imprisoned Bayek getting in a melee with one of the Pharaoh's home boys. In classic AC brutality, Bayek fits a mask with a knife sticking out of it to the man's face, instant death. Now I'm excited. Time to fuck some shit up! So I thought..
Bayek then must find a way to escape from the ruins where he survived a 500 ft free fall onto a mound of broken concrete without getting so much as a scratch. Like most games, this the level where you get a feel for the controls; Up, Down, Funky Town, etc,. After an hour of trying to figure out how to light the fucking torch so that you can see where you're going, you find daylight and some seemingly low level soldiers of the Pharaoh. Time to assassinate...
You crouch down and walk softly, making sure to not get spotted by sight or sound. You creep up to a small structure a few feet from the first soldier and begin trying to find the button that will put you in cover. Joke's on you, there is no cover button. I mean, sure you expected a cover button as this is the world's most popular assassination game series and in the other 37 games, there was a cover button. So there you are standing in the sand in your Persian pajamas with children's toys for weapons feeling like you're about to be yard fucked by a gang of little caesars. It's at this moment, one of them spots you and comes running at you like Usain Bolt running after a Gold Medal. This motherfucker is about to drive a nine foot spear through your genitals.
The first death is the sweetest. Matter of fact, the first few deaths in a new game are forgivable while you're getting your bearings around the controls. After the fifth death, you get a few insult prompts. "Switch to easy any time you want, champ." After the tenth death, you realize you're carrying a shield, but you have a to use a bumper button to pull it front of you. "Sweet!" you finally get your first kill by successfully blocking a few swipes from Sir Spearsalot. Feeling elated, you turn your attention to the other two who are looking at you like a plate of fried chicken after a seven day fast.
15 deaths later, you make it out of the first combat scene. Keep in mind that this is, for all intents and purposes, the scene in which the final controls of the game are supposed to be ironed out on your end and not the final boss. By the sweet mercy of Amun, you finally kill all three soldiers and meet up with your camping friend who I'm not even gonna try to pronounce his name, let's just call him Billy. Billy instructs you to call your whip, then the game does the same. "Press D-pad down" I must've pressed D-pad down a hundred and fifty times before realizing you must hold it down for car service, press it down to whistle at enemies. Here comes my camel, shittin' and gettin' it over the mountain side. "Y to mount" I admit, that made me giggle. So you follow Billy on your camel into the lower west side known as Siwa.
You and Billy roll up on his crib to find another handful of little caesar's walking around shouting for Billy's head on a pike. Time to spill some blood. You have no idea it's going to be yours at the time, but I digress. You duck in some tall weeds which turns you a bit sparkly, letting you know you're concealed. "Awesome, just find grass to hide in instead of a cover button. Kind of gay, but whatevs"
A soldier approaches, you whistle, he comes over, you hit "Y" to "take down". This is the moment your hidden blade is supposed to come out of your bracer and sever the carotid artery of your unsuspecting prey. Nope, you simply drag him in the bushes and beat his ass, Ike Turner style. This doesn't kill him, instead he lies there and moans like he's giving birth. You're trying to contemplate your next take down but this whiny bitch won't stop "oohhhh it hurts, ooooohhhh" so then you stand up and hit him with your $3.99 Fisher Price Sword which kills him. "Relief", you think. Nope. That's when home boy's ride or die crew shows up behind you and turns you into stir fry cause they watched you do that shit.
20 deaths later, you have an epiphany. "Eagle Vision!" What makes AC games so fucking awesome is a secondary vision that tags your enemies, even if they're behind walls. "I'll use Eagle Vision and find where the bad guys are!" Nope. You now have a "pulse scan" which only highlights loot, not psychopaths in man skirts who have a collective hard on to end your life for the 51st time. I think there is a mercy algorithm built in to the game because I can't tell you how I made it out of Billy's house. But after an hour or so, I had managed to.
This is the point in the game where Billy tells you about this salty ass motherfucker who's running Siwa by the name of Umbagajaja? What Billy doesn't tell you is that Umbagajaja is the Suge Knight of Siwa. He's leveled up so high that he will drop you just by looking at you. Billy is an asshole. It will then dawn on you to level up a bit before attempting to rob Death Row Records. A few cutscenes after Billy's house, Billy brings you your pet bird, Sinu. Now you can launch Sinu in the air and he will allegedly tag enemies for you, this is a half truth.
Where you go from here is up to you. I chose to raid a bandit cave to try and get an upgrade to my Halloween costume the game refers to as armor. I get to the cave entrance and can see two LARPers reenacting scenes from Lord of the Rings. I know those aren't the only two so now I'm gonna launch Sinu and tag the rest. It took at least ten minutes to be able to even slightly control this airborne hunk of poultry. No one tells you that Sinu got a nasty meth habit while you were in prison or the accidentally dropped him on his head a few times at frat parties and he is now mildly retarded. First, he flies at mach three. You can't slow him down, but you can stop him and use his bionic eyeball to zoom in. Let that sink in. Also, you actually have to zoom in on EACH FUCKING ENEMY INDIVIDUALLY to tag them. So for the moment, you have no idea there are five guards playing shower swords in the men's room because Retardobird can't see through walls. Just when you think everyone is accounted for, you begin your attack.
This game has prided itself on stealth in the past. Stealth be damned. If you fart and the wind blows it the wrong way an entire platoon of the Pharaoh's cross-dressers are gonna be on you like white on rice. Your Play-Doh shield can only take a few mean words before it leaves you exposed to a full on attack of ravenous, spear-wielding bloodcunts who nearly instantaneously murder our beloved Bayek and suck another three tenths of life from your own personal soul.
I'm gonna give it another go tonight and see if I can't figure out some tactics to make this game playable and will post another review if that's the case. In the meantime, it's looking more and more like I bought a $60 coaster for my Dr. Pepper cans...
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