Azuk The (Not So) Bright

There is a reason I love my Apple products. Apple products simply fucking work. Yes, they have a hiccup now and then, but nothing like the clusterfuck that is Windows.

So a new jailbreak came out for i0S7 and while I admit there are fewer reasons to jailbreak (now that Apple has pretty much stolen all of the jailbreak tweaks and made them native), there are still a few missing that I like. The five icon dock, most importantly.

The new jailbreak tool wasn't working with Snow Leopard so I tried to find my crusty old Windows laptop to use that version. Turns out, it has gone tits up. The power cable is hopelessly fucked and you know, sometimes you just want new shit.

Off to Best Buy I go. Now, this new HP Pavilion X2 is pretty sweet, Windows or not. It's a touchscreen tablet that has a keyboard base you can snap it on to. (Yes, I'm aware they make similar devices for the iPad.) Anywho, other than sucking the Bejesus out of a battery, it's a neat little device. I spent an entire evening learning the Windows 8 curve. Apparently, they are trying desperately to mock Apple's user friendly GUI and in the process have skull fucked the idea of user friendliness. Irony? Perhaps. So I go to the absolute joke of an "App Store" for Windows in hope of staying on the Start screen as much as possible. Guess what? Half the fucking apps don't work with Windows 8. They all want Windows 8.1 so I upgraded and got some (less than stellar) apps. Well now my fucking brightness slider has gone full democrat. It won't work no matter what I try to do. My screen is so insanely bright, one could burn the retinas out of a terrorist's eyeballs during an interrogation if held close enough. I hit the chat link to get some warranty tech support because I knew I was going to be talking to an Indian (the Eastern variety for those of you with a tomahawk toting mental image), therefore I opted for screen chat because on the phone they can't understand anything I'm saying and I certainly have no idea what in the unholy fuck they are trying to say. So......

*You are now chatting with...Azuk

Hello Jason! Welcome! How may I assist?

My brightness slider doesn't work.

I will be happy to help you today! What is serial number and product code?

Where do I find that. There's no sticker on it.

Desktop or laptop?

Tablet/Laptop HP Pavilion X2

So is it a laptop or a tablet?

Both.

No, is it touchscreen or have keyboard?

Both.

*Long Delay*

Hold FN and press ESC key. Give Product # and Serial.

*Gives information*

Why didn't you ask me to do that to begin with, Azuk?

*Silence*

Are you still there?

Yes, one moment.

Ok, so press the brightness slider all the way forward. Did screen brightness change?

No. That's why I'm talking to you.

Press brightness slider all the way back. Did screen brightness change?

No. Singing Kumbaya doesn't work either. I've already tried.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Nevermind. What do I need to try now?

Are you on Windows 8?

Windows 8.1

Ok, I send remote client to control your computer. Ok?

Sure.

*Installs creepy ass remote desktop client*
*Fidgets hopelessly through drivers, etc...*

I can't seem to find the problem in here. Is your security up to date?

Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?

I just have to ask.

Does your cubicle smell like curry and dirty socks?

I don't understand.

Sorry, I just have to ask. So what's next?

It looks like Windows 8.1 is the problem. You will need to downgrade to Windows 8.0.

Not an option. This thing can't do shit without that update.

I don't understand.

What that means is; I can't use any apps with the old OS. I had to update to be able to use apps.

I understand. You need to downgrade to 8.0 for brightness to work.

Not gonna happen. There has to be a fix other than downgrading this brand new machine to an old OS that doesn't play nice with programs. Try harder, Azuk. I believe in you.

Let me consult with someone. One moment

*endless wait*

 I consult and only way brightness will work is downgrading to 8.0

Have you ever worked for Comcast, Azuk?

I don't understand.

Do you know anyone named Devron by chance? You two have to be brothers.

Would you like instructions on how to downgrade to 8.0?

Would you like instructions on how to pee standing up?

I don't understand.

Of course you don't. Have a nice evening or afternoon depending on what shit hole part of the world you're chatting me from. Thanks for everything!

Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Yes, please send me your mother's address so I can send her some birth control.

*Chat ended*


I must have hit a nerve. Oh well...