Beep Beep Motherfucker!

I've been told that hating folks is allowing them to win. In some ways, I agree. So be it, they won. That doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel better to pretend I'm running over them in Grand Theft Auto IV. It doesn't change the fact that being a douche bag is incurable, for it is a terminal condition that affects the cranium's position to the anus. It doesn't change the fact that every time I hear the names of these degenerate assholes that have blackened my very soul, I just want to paint my chest with war paint and run around the neighborhood beating a drum while screaming "this is Sparta!" Everything that you've ever heard about people being rewarded for their goodness or how 'karma' will certainly bring good tidings is unadulterated bullshit. You've been lied to. The only way up in this world is stepping on the poor motherfucker before you. You have to forcibly claim and defend anything that you want to keep. That said, I'm really pissed that this shitty lemonade doesn't have enough sugar in it.

In other news, I'm trying to buy a house. I say trying because unless you have oodles of Benjamins lying around, you have to play the real estate game. The real estate game has a few simple rules. First, every house that you find online is already under contract. Why real estate brokers post homes for sale online and then never take the time to refresh the fucking list once a week is beyond me. I've been to two properties that were sold several months ago and even the owners were like "Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck is my house still for sale online" in which I reply, "you have a douche bag for a real estate agent and that lazy cunt never took a few minutes of her precious time to remove the listing." So when you find a home online with an active MLS number, don't get a boner. That house is probably already under contract so you're fucked. Get used to the feeling. Rule two states that there is no law against photoshopping pictures of a home to bring buyers to the front door. I don't see how this sales method would ever work. You advertise a well built home with nice paint and all the fixins then your buyer shows up only to find the real estate equivalent a fecal pit in which tribes of pygmies have taken turns shitting into a hole that doesn't get sunlight. Oh how I love how these smiling agents write up their listings. "Beautiful, open floor plan!" "Bonus Room!". In reality, they should be saying, "The smell of rot waiting for you!" "Death by black mold guaranteed!" And whatever happened to homes that have both, a gigantic living room and a back door to the yard without having to travel down three flights of stairs? I have two miniature dachshunds. They are vertically challenged. Climbing a 20 ft flight of stairs up and down every time will have them reverting back to shitting in my hallway. Oh yes, while dachshunds have fierce energy when out in an open field, they have little motivation to shit farther then ten feet from their water bowl. Dachshunds are canine democrats indeed. Third, real estate naturally wants to be inflated over what people should pay for it. The listing price on some of these homes is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Have these sellers been asleep for the past five years? Do they know that artificial real estate inflation and easy credit caused our entire economy to almost collapse? and that home prices have come back down to Earth? I mean, I understand they want to get the most possible, but the reason there are so many homes sitting empty is because most sellers need a reality check. No one is going to buy your $110,000 home for $175,000. So if you have to sell it, you have two options. One, you can bend over and take it in the ass or two, you can bend over and take it in the ass. Shit happens and then you die, friend. If you can't make the mortgage payment anymore, the bank will take it from you. At this point, you've already taken it in the ass. So why not take the offer and short sale? At least the short sale ass fuck comes with a little bit of lubrication. You let the bank foreclose because you have this grand vision of "breaking even" in 2012, then your credit gets gang-banged even harder. My frustration level is mounting. I don't have many requirements. I want a nice house, a backyard, and no HOA. I can't count how many houses I've seen that are everything I want only to find out in the end that there is one of those bastard HOAs running shit. It's bad enough that you never really "own" your property. You simply rent it from the government via property taxes. You don't pay your property taxes, Uncle Sam takes it from you. But do I really want a small group of nosey people leaving notes on my door, telling me what color I can paint, or that my grass isn't to their standard? Fuck no I don't. If some jerk off came to my door threatening to fine me for using the wrong paint, I would kick him in the jimmy and piss in his face while he's doubled over.  I'm going to look at a few more this evening. Wish me luck.

In closing I just want to mention that a long-time reader of Ipecac for the Soul, Michelle Wood, passed away earlier this week. She really did enjoy reading my rants and would always tell me as much. Readers like Michelle are why I write my thoughts down on this blog. I never had the opportunity to meet Michelle in person, but I can honestly say she was one of the most genuine people that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. The world is a colder, shittier place without her here. She will certainly be missed.