The Bill of Plights

If the Constitution were written today. 

I. Congress shall make several laws that inhibit economic growth in the bastard name of equality. Congress will only recognize the religion of global warming, all others be damned. Freedom of speech shall not be abridged unless that speech contains any reference to race, gender, creed, or sexual orientation.

II. A well regulated herd of whiny bitches, being necessary to the security of the nanny state, the right to wave signs plastered with utter ignorance shall not be infringed.

III.  No democrat shall be housed without said housing being funded by productive citizens.

IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, papers, and effects against unreasonable search or seizure shall be violated without a warrant by heavily armed mercenaries provided they have a badge and the word "police" on their apparel. Any pet death is the result of the aforementioned psychopaths's SOP and they shall not be held liable.

V.  No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless TMZ has successfully tried and convicted said person in the court of public opinion. No professional athlete or popular musician shall receive anything but probation even if their 11th DUI resulted in the death of others.

VI. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy subpar legal counsel that shall be in bed with the prosecutor and/or judge. This shall be known as the good ole boy network. The GOBN shall throw you in jail for propagating plants and will most likely kill your animals in a raid. See fourth amendment.

VII. In suits of common law, where the value is everything you have ever worked for, women reserve the right to have all of it and to turn your children against you. All men shall be paychecks for no less than 18 years.

VIII. Excessive bail shall not be required nor cruel or unusual punishments administered lest an armed mercenary deems your attitude unfit for his personal issues. In that case, armed mercenaries reserve the right to electrocute you on site, then promptly murder your pet.

IX. The enumeration of the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people unless one chooses to exercise those rights in the offense of dear leader. If dear leader is offended, all persons involved with the offense shall be subject to an IRS audit and quite possibly a raid in which your pet is murdered.

X. States have no rights. The federal government shall have absolute control over each citizen's pocketbook and/or lifestyle choices depending on which party is in power. 

Additional Amendments...

XI. Congress shall create a magical money factory and call it the Federal Reserve. The Fed will print money out of thin air and give it to the banks. The banks, in turn, will sell you the fiat money for a profit.