The System. Battling Comcast.

Today was a typical Wednesday. I got out of bed, ate breakfast and went to check the mail. I am expecting a photo order from my new favorite website, mpix.com, but to my dismay, the order hasn't yet arrived. Instead, I had a bunch of sales flyers and my Comcast bill. That Comcast bill turned my day on it's head. I open it up and BLAM! My bill is nearly twice as much as last month. I know the game Comcast plays, I've been playing defense for years with those fucking assholes, but today was extraordinary. Never has my bill nearly doubled when their suckering promotions expire. Usually, it goes up about 30%, I call and threaten to cancel, they lower my bill back to where it was. Today was different though. It seems I've done that so many times that they've noted it in the "system." What is the "system?" More on that in a moment. Anyways, I collect myself and place a call to the terrible excuse they have for customer service. Allow me to paraphrase:

Devron

Me

Thank you for calling Comcast, my name is Devron. How may I assist you today?

My bill is ridiculous. I need to get it down somewhere around the $100 mark again.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, let me pull you up on the "system." Ok it looks like you have package x, are you wanting to keep this package?

It's not a big deal if I need to change my package. I need the internet and some form of cable, preferably with a DVR, but I'm flexible. Get it down to $100. Talk to me.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, let me look in the "system." and see if I have any promotions. Nope, there aren't any new promotions. Would you like to keep your current package?

If there aren't any promotions then I need to downgrade my service. How much for basic cable with HD and internet service?

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, let me look in the "system" and see what I can do. Ok, so if you keep your current package, your price will be the same.

Ok, Devron. I'm not sure If the words coming out of my mouth are registering. If downgrading my package is necessary to attain a $100 bill or less each month, then that's what I will do. Also, please stop apologizing after everything I say.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience, let me look in the "system" and see what I can do. Ok, it looks like your promotion doesn't expire until January, so there is really nothing I can do at this time.

Devron, I didn't sign a contract. This promotion that you speak of has obviously ended as my bill has went through the roof. You're charging me a small fortune just to have cable boxes. Cable boxes Devron! The boxes that are necessary to utilize your service are being billed separately. If I'm paying for your service, shouldn't you include those? In any case, give me a price on a cable/internet package that is $100 or less. And seriously, Devron, stop with the empty apologies followed by a nice way of saying to go fuck myself.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience. The "system" tells me that I can't remove any cable boxes from your service until your promotion expires. The sys...

Shhhhhhh.

Sir...

Shush. Shhh. Sssss. No more talking, Devron. Considering that you cannot comprehend the English language, and because you can't give me a straight answer without consulting the "system", I would like to speak directly to the "system."

I'm sorry for the inconvenience but the "system" isn't a person. It is a comput....

Damn it Devron! You think I don't know that?! I was born in the dark but it wasn't last night, numbnuts. Of course the system isn't a person, I was making a..... Ahh Hell, I'm not even going to try to explain it to you. Look Devron, find me a supervisor who knows how to count to ten without using toothpicks and put him on the phone and for Christ's sake don't let the next words coming out of your mouth be "I'm sorry for the inconvenience".

I'm sorry for the inconvenience but a supervisor isn't available at this time. Let me check the "system" to see when one will be available.

Devron, just forget it. I'll try calling back later when some of my brain cells that you have killed grow back.

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Ha! I love the premise. "Anything else" would indicate that you've successfully helped me at least once today in which you haven't. In fact, I am now dumber from having talked to you.

Would you be interested in taking a short survey related to your customer service experience after this call?

Devron, you have got to be fucking with me. I have never talked to someone who is this immune to reality. You must really hate your job if you want me to give an opinion of you to a survey. Considering the economy, I'm going to do you a favor and not take the survey.

Have a nice day, sir.

Go fuck yourself.