Fun With Heifers!

Bitch, this is the last thing you need to be putting in your mouth. Matter of fact, you should sew your lips together for a a few months to lessen the massive sack of skin-encased heart attack your carrying around. A whole fucking cake? Really? You look an awful lot like that piece of shit who rides the motorized carts at Walmart because they're too fat to be mobile. It really does piss me off because there are people who are genuinely disabled who could be using it. You are the last person that needs to be on a motorized cart. If I were Governor, I would sign an executive order effective immediately that would require anyone over 200 lbs (That isn't a meat head muscle builder) to walk to their destinations. When you break under 200, I'll give you your driver's license back. And don't try and cheat either. It would be months before the Supreme Court would hear your "discrimination" case.

Oh! You sexy vixen! I can't wait to be up to my nuts in that!

Not.

Denial is a nasty reality for our chunky love gluttons. It is one thing to say "I'm not fat, I'm big boned" (Which is a ridiculous in and of itself), it's quite another to believe yourself when you say it. Granted there is a small (0.0000002%) of the male population who get their jollies off of abnormally hefty land trolls, but the rest of us can go without seeing Moby Dick in lingerie. Who the fuck decided to make lingerie for the McFatties anyway? Was it a joke that turned profitable? Or did Victoria's Secret succumb to a discrimination lawsuit? In America, I'm willing to bet on the latter.

This person needs an epiphany along the lines of "Wow, I would need three of these human chairs to fit my naval destroyer-sized ass comfortably". This is the kind of shit that makes me want to weep for my Country. I'm not one for bureaucracies, but we need a Department of Normal Sized People Enforcement. We could hire Jillian Michaels to be the director and R. Lee Ermey to be Chief Enforcement Officer for the trouble makers. I think that I'm going to start helping these people by walking up to them and telling them how disgustingly fat their asses are. Maybe if I hurt their feelings it will lead them to a treadmill to 'burn' off some anger.

"Ma! Ma! I can't zip my fucking pants!"

"That's because you consume 8,000 unanswered calories a day, my obese bundle of joy."

This heifer was told she was special while growing up. You can tell because she seems surprisingly disappointed that her pants won't zip after a morning of cheesecake and bacon grease. She was probably told that she isn't fat, she's just got 'more to love'. What does that mean, more to love? More to love means fat. What? were you looking for some deep psychological explanation? Nope, not here. Telling a fat person they have more to love is like telling Jimmy Carter his foreign policy initiatives were wildly successful. It just wouldn't be true. So if you ever find yourself needing a three ton ceiling winch to close the hatch on your jeans, just remember that a gym membership cost less than a month's worth of Little Debbie's.

Judging by this image, a man would need approximately 24 inches of dick to to penetrate the nether regions of this Hairless Cape Buffalo. Of course, this is assuming that he wouldn't suffocate first by trying. Not that I'm trying to make anyone lose their lunch, but wouldn't it be physically impossible to bathe every part of a body this big? I suppose that's why it's no Victoria's Secret that most XXXXXXXL lingerie is black. I mean, you wouldn't want skid marks ruining 'the moment' now would you?

A few basic truths before I sign off.

1. Only an estimated 4% of Americans have thyroid disease

63.1% of Americans are overweight or obese.

Never use that excuse with me.

2. It is not 'baby fat' if your child is five years old.

3. Your slow metabolism did not cause you to get fat. Your fat caused your slow metabolism.

4. Everyone thinks it's nasty when your cottage cheese is hanging out of your shorts. I'm just one of the few that will say it out loud.

5. When making fat jokes earns me a reply like "I could care less what you think about me", that really means "You hurt my feelings by speaking the truth"

6. Fat people that get to a healthy weight earn a higher degree of respect than someone who has never been fat, especially from me. I've never been 'obese', but I've been fat. I know how fucking hard it is.

7. Intellect can never overcome a thunderass on a date.

8. Diets that start tomorrow will always fail.

9. Protein is a recovering fataholic's best friend.

10. You cannot out exercise poor eating habits.