Things that piss me off. Volume Umpteen.

I remember a movie in the 80's where a guy is sitting across from a shrink and asks "What do you suppose I do about this anger?" the shrink replies " you should make a list of everything that makes you angry, then you should go out into the world and find one thing that makes you happy for each situation that makes you angry." Laughing, the guy stands up and says "Well I suppose I'm fucked then. How much do I owe you?" (I don't know the name of the movie or the name of the actors, but you get 20 million cool points if you do)

In the spirit of this scene, here is my umpteenth installment of things that make me angry in no particular order.

1. People who write on dollar bills. What kind of arrogant fuck do you have to be to believe that the dollar you're writing happy birthday on will end with your bastard grandchild?

Something that would make me happy; From now on, if I receive a dollar that's written all over as change, I will politely ask the cashier to exchange it. If he refuses, I will wrap him up in a guillotine and force feed it to him once he's unconscious.

2. The new generation of wiggers. My generation had a ridiculous group of wiggers, but now looking at the new generation, I am really starting to lose faith in mankind.

Something that would make me happy; Driving one down to college park (while in full dress) and letting him "kick it" with some real thugs, crackheads, drug dealers, and other assorted criminals. If he makes it back, I would just drive a nail-laden bat into his kneecaps and piss in his open wounds.

3. People who can't take a joke. Hyperbole is the centerpiece of my humor and many other folks I know. I have found that quite a few people can't take things figuratively and laugh. Rather, everything is literal in their small, cold worlds.

Something that would make me happy; Email them a photoshopped picture of their house on fire while they are on vacation overseas.

4. Unqualified Maintenance Personnel at my apartment complex. Yet again, I had to phone maintenance today. Same problem. This old, clunky, mercury-switched, junk-box of a thermostat was fucked six ways from Sunday. The heat would not cycle. It was either on or off. Every time I call maintenance, they find a way to try and blame me. This douche comes out, sticks a screwdriver across a hot lead and ground and "boom." Then he has the audacity to say that whatever I did to it almost burnt the place down. First rule of electricity, fucktard. Disable the circuit before tampering with it unless you're taking readings from a meter. By no means stick a thick piece of metal in a live circuit, cause a small explosion, then blame me for it, you fucking assbagging prick. (update, they finally replaced the damn thing with one from the 90's)

Something that would make me happy; at this point in my thermostat drama. Nothing. Sorry Doc.

5. 9/11 truthers and to some extent birthers. Every time I see one of these jackasses on tv talking about how there were "planted explosives" in the World Trade Towers I'm reminded of one of R. Lee Ermey's lines from Full Metal Jacket "Son, it looks like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated!" What further proof do you need than to see (on live television) a commercial jetliner fly into the the side of the building? Get a fucking life, losers. And the whole birther thing, I have a few friends that don't believe Obama is an American citizen and that he is muslim so I'll keep this one mild. As far as his citizenship is concerned, you can't get toothpaste back into the tube. He's gonna be in the whitehouse until at least Jan 20, 2013. As far as him being muslim, I don't think he's religious at all. He only uses religion when it is politically convenient. He is a political opportunist at every level of his psyche. The best thing we can do now is fight his radically left policies until we can bring a little balance to Congress come 2010. I am holding everyone's feet to the fire that has ever uttered a complaint about Congress and the White House to get off their lazy asses next November and pick off some democrat seats. Nothing would crush the dreams of our Marxist in Chief than to have a 50/50 Congress to obstruct his rampant leftist plans. Then hopefully, we can flush the proverbial toilet one more time in 2012 and put someone who isn't ashamed of America in office. (Hopefully not Palin)

Something that would make me happy; Waking up and suddenly realizing that it's January, 20th 1981 and turning on the tube to watch the inauguration.

6. Bass bumpers that park in front of my bedroom window at 3:00 in the morning. I'm beating the dead horse here, but contrary to popular belief, your car audio system does not make your penis any larger or make you in any way cooler.

Something that would make me happy; Having the law changed turning reckless discharge of a firearm and vandalism into minor misdemeanors. Buying a Mossberg Breacher and a few rounds of Turkey shot. (no choke). Opening the Honda hatchback, quoting early Al Pacino and then sleeping peacefully for the rest of the evening.

7. People who make no effort to move a little on their end when trying to pass with a shopping cart. I'm beating the dead horse again, but this one's special.

Something that DOES make me happy. Since the last time I complained about these jerk offs, I finally got up the gall to just run right into one in Walmart the other day. The bitch had no intention of moving, nor did I. The look on her face afterwards was priceless, especially because I offered no apology or anything. Fuck her. I wish I had the authority to take the driver's licenses of everyone I run into like that. They certainly don't need to be driving large, metal machines.

8. Harry Reid.

Something that DOES make me happy; watching him flip-flop all over the place now that his Republican challenger is spanking him by 7 points and she's a no name. It's not even primary season yet. LMFAO

9. The Obama Czar appointments. Does he not realize that there was a time in this Country that it was an absolute insult to be called a communist? Why then does he keep appointing those with a spoken affinity towards communism?

Something that DOES make me happy; Although I'm not a big fan of Glenn Beck (not because of his politics, but because of his childishness) He is raking the Obama staff over the coals and it is hilarious. In response, the White House Communications Director (A woman who admires Chairman Mao as one of her greatest influences) attacks Fox News as not being a "real" news channel. A little bit of history here Mr President, look how well attacking the media directly helped Richard Nixon.

10. Viral Intestinal Infections.

Something that would make me happy; Getting over this shit ASAP. It's deer season for crying out loud.